Creating a Safe Haven Relationship
What is a safe haven relationship, you might wonder?
A safe haven relationship is a relationship where both partners feel safe (physically and emotionally), supported and understood. According to John Bowlby, in order to create a secure attachment, the relationship needs to be a safe haven and a secure base. Creating a safe haven dynamic requires commitment and vulnerability. When partners can turn towards each other as a source of support, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically, the relationship becomes a safe space to explore and share deeper meanings and values. Here are a few qualities which can promote a safe haven relationship.
Be there to listen non-judgmentally:
The foundation for a safe haven relationship is created is on vulnerability and transparency. Being able to express one’s most inner feelings can be frightening and thus requires the right emotional environment as a prerequisite. Entering into conversations from a non-judgmental, present, and supportive stance can make a world of difference when forming bonds with others. Your partner needs to feel that they are not being judged or criticized for what they are sharing. Being vulnerable can be tough, and criticism or judgment can convey that the relationship is not safe enough to share deeper meanings. Here are a few suggestions on how to cultivate a non-judgmental space for your partner.
Before the conversation begins, make sure you are able to be present for your partner.
Intentionally suspend judgment or criticism. If judging or critical thoughts occur, realign with your intention to be non-judgmental.
Create more acceptance for your partner as an autonomous individual with quirks, strengths, and shortcomings just like yourself. Offering grace and forgiveness can go a long way with cultivating acceptance for your partner.
Refrain from offering solutions:
Though solutions can be valuable at times, often than not, solutions can be an impediment towards understanding your partner. Before solutions are suggested, it is important that your partner knows without a shred of doubt that what they are sharing is being heard and understood. Asking your partner if they are looking for solutions or support can be a great way to identify what your partner is needing, and also a way to express that you are there for them. Instead of jumping to solutions, try to validate what your partner is sharing. Here are a few ways you can validate your partner:
Being present with your partner is an ultimate way to validate. When we are present and listening fully, we are communicating to our partner’s that what they have to say matters and also that they matter.
Reflect back what your partner is sharing. Avoid parroting what they are sharing, and instead try using your own words. When you are able to express what your partner has shared in your own words, this communicates on a deeper level that you understand where they are. When we feel understood, we feel connected. Love thrives on connection.
Try to empathize with the emotions behind the words. Slowing down the conversation can help give yourself time to process the feelings behind the words.
Ask questions to further your understanding:
Sometimes it can be tricky to understand what your partner is trying to communicate to you. Asking questions can convey to your partner that you are genuinely interested in being there for them. Communication is not perfect, and oftentimes we may misinterpret the messages being sent to us. Asking questions for clarification can reduce miscommunication and bring you closer to understanding who your partner is and what they are struggling with (and how you can be there for them). Here are a few questions you may want to add to your relationship tool-belt:
What is that like for you?
Most of that makes sense, but this part is a little confusing. Can you help me to understand that better?
How can I be there for you?
What feelings came up for you with that?
Do you need support, solutions, or just some space to vent?
Create time to connect:
Just like anything worthwhile, safe haven relationships require consistency and effort to keep the bonds between partners secure. Creating rituals for connection can be a great way to cultivate closeness and vulnerability. This can look like:
Scheduling specific times to check in on the relationship and one another.
Good morning kisses and goodnight texts.
Planning date nights (or mornings!)
Putting down electronics and being present.
Eating meals together.
Forming a safe haven relationship takes time and effort, but is well worth the investment. Are you wanting to cultivate a safe haven within your relationships? Reach out for a free consultation to see if we would be a good fit!
-Hassan Rehan, M.A., LPC
